Blurted random things

Senin, November 25, 2013




I want to scream this out as loud as my throat can bear to person like me but I am not talking about myself ......... " YOU ARE COWARD, why do you keep on hiding? Just go in front and say what you are waiting to say!"

"You keep it for more than few months! Don't you think it bothers other? The way you try to be acknowledge is awkward, and because you don't even bother to say what's inside your heart, you're just making others speechless."

You don't know what thing I am saying, right? HEHAHA

That's why I told you to close the window


Few days ago, I was almost breaking down. My heart and mind was starting to fall and break into pieces I was afraid I can't fixed it myself. My once fluffy dreamy cloud had gone wet, it can't contain anymore dream or else it will fall down and pour as heavy rain. My old cloud was full of dream and hope that had been fulfilled by my selfish creature. Because my dreams and hopes were just too much for it to bear, it lose its balance. So either I have to reduce my own dreams and hopes for it to be fulfilled or I have to make my own dreams and hopes happen and be true to myself. There's only two options left, at least that what's I thought.

My days started to feel empty. I almost completely lost my interest to study in high school and even college. I would think, why do people wanted to go to college if they are going to study the thing they will complaint later all over again? Instead of going to college, I had already turn myself in to the world of business, money, and maybe a little passion. I like how my account rate get higher over time.

What? What do I need? Love? Couple of hugs, kisses, and cliches?
I did think that way though.

But ...

As the time goes on, I felt living like a bitch who think she is so pretty she think she's on top of others. Someone made me think that way. Like someone said, because the most-perfect thing is too hard to earn, one would find another thing that is not too difficult to grab. That's one of the reason why you would find a not-so-beautiful woman had many boyfriend while a so-beautiful woman had none. Because she is far away from others reach. She is hard to keep in touch. So others find another who is nearer to them, who is easy to keep in touch. Then, the woman as the second options will feel she is prettier, smarter, so whateverer than the rest. The woman starts to feel she is number one when in fact, she's far from that. And because that someone said something like that, I felt as if I am the nearer one to grab, the one who is in the lower level, and pathetically the one who think she is the shit.

Did I?

Well, for some moment, I really did act like I-am-so-beautiful-so-get-off-from-me-! I would find myself full of regrets after I did that because heck, I am so itchy bitchy. URGH. Did I think I-am-the-best? For some moment, yes, tragically.

Someone said it's not fully the woman's fault. It's because the other men make her feel higher, better, prettier than anyone.

So, I wouldn't want to say it's all my fault or my bitchy attitude. It's just because others make me think so.
Okay, this sounds ridiculous. Even I who write this very thing is ridiculous. It's just ewh-who-do-you-think-you-are!

Man, seriously. Do slap me mentally.


Other thing I want to share.

One day, SO and I were talking a little bit more frontal than before. We talked about... loveline. Nyehehehhehe. It is not taboo for us, especially when we are already on the third years ( school life should have more love line! TT_TT) to talk about love. Although it's really awkward to talk about, but... nevertheless it's okay. First asked me if I am attracted to one person, and I answered her that I do. Of course, why not? It's just me attracted, not me love somebody. I am still haven't find the right person to love, CIECIECIEERHGHGHGHUERHK!

She asked me to say who the man is, and ... honestly... it's so... embarrassing. I am not that fine enough to go and say the truth about my honest situation. Even though this blog exist, it doesn't mean that I have no secret. I do have it, a lot. But I chose not to leak it to anybody, anytime, and anyplace. There're some stuffs that I can't talked about, not even my closed friend.

We played scissor-rock-paper game to decide who is the first one to say the name. It turned out to be her. She started to describe her crush who is... SECRET. LOL. Anyway, the man is white, tall, and of course handsome, and smart. She said that... and ... so... and ...

After she finished her story telling, I started mine.

It's not love, I said. I am just attracted. So there is a boy who attend the same school as I did. He is tall, not white, Buddism, and maybe smart. I do not know much of him. The only thing I know is that he is a friend of my friend. The reason why I am attracted to him? I don't know. Maybe because he is better than the man in my class, or maybe because he is taller than me, or maybe because he is good. If I was to exaggerating him, he was a one hot guy. LOL. =3=)///




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